Soon after the army reached the rallying point at Glenfinnan it made camp for the night. Hoon McBlack was sitting in his pavilion and in the dim light of his stubby sputtering candle he and his Captains were making plans for the next day. It was a freezing cold, frosty night, one where even snow thought it unwise to fall. Because it was so mild Hoon had the flap of his pavilion opened up to let the balmy warm air waft over him and his men.
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| Hoon McBlack |
“Clement weather for August is it not” says Captain Gleen, “Aye” says Hoon, “I’ve né seen nothing like it”.
At this a runner came into the pavilion sweating profusely from the cold.
“My McLaird, there’s a Mcentourage from James Stuart come into camp”.
Getting up with a start Hoon said
“What, the Prince himself has come ta greet us?”
“Ne my McLaird, just one of his flunkies” Sullen faced Hoon sat down again. “Urrrgh” he growled “We’re ne gooood enough furrr the Prince himself. Who has he sent then?” he asked angrily
“It’s William Murray Marquis of Tullibardine, one of the seven companions who accompanied the Bonnie Prince aboard the Du Teillay my McLaird”.
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| William Murray |
At this Hoons face dropped, “Murray!” says he “Thaaart loser.”
“Why do you call him a loser?” enquired Captain Tomagg.
“Because he came over in 1715 and 1719 where we got our arses kicked at the battle of Prestonpants. Let him come however and we’ll show him real Clan McBlack hospitality”.
As he approached Murray was wrapped in a thick silk lined woollen cloak, gold embroidered jacket and white cravat. His golden locks fell from beneath a gold laced Tricorn and his breath poured out from his cupped hands like steam as he tried in vain to warm them.
“Lord Murray” says Hoon, “Ya very welcome ta ma hoom from hoom. Now come in an warm ya self by this roaring candle and take off that heavy cloak and put on this blanket of warm porridge. Och man, yu’ve spent tooo much time in the warm climbs of Italy and have become soft. Tis balmy warm weather for August. Ah can if you so wish close the flap over ta keep the heat from the candle in the pavilion but yeeel hav te put up with ma men an me sweating like pigs if ya do”.
“Och lads né, twill be fine as it is” says Murray.
“Doya have anything warming that ah can drink though?”
“Aye, we have a fine feast a coming soon that yull be sure té enjoy”.
The feast consisted of fine meats, cheeses and bread which surprised Murray for he thought Clan McBlack still feasted on Porridge.
“Och né” says Hoon, “Those days are long gone but there are those that harp back té the old days and still lust for the stuff but for me tis good riddance”.
Hoon and his captains were filling their flagons and gulping down vast quantities of Porrigine, the like of which Murray had never tasted before, and was glad he never had to taste again, it felt like his insides had melted. Scratching his head Murray frantically tried to find a point of conversation and his eyes alighted upon an object standing in the corner of the Pavilion.
“What's that in the corner there?”
“That” says Hoon walking slowly over to it and patting it proudly with his paw like hand “is the great sacred McCaber of Clan MacReekie that we captured in a raid only last week and we’re holding it hostage until the McReekies come to their senses”.
“So the Clans are still at war with each other then?” asks Murray, and then all of a sudden it sunk in “You’re doing what, holding it hostage?”
“Well” say Hoon “the thieving bastards stole our bucket so that was that, so here it is in our safe hands”.
“So you went to war over a bucket?” exclaimed Murray.
Looking at Murray rather bemused Hoon said “Aye, over a bucket, and what’s wrong wi’ tha’, you know the Clan ways, anything for é fight. I think only last year we went té war with Clan MacHaggis”
“What was that over” inquired Murray “A wash basin?”
“No” says Hoon “They insulted ma wife’s hat pin so we gave ‘em what furrr. Ma Lord, yé really have spent too long in Italy and yeeve forgotten where yé come from”.
Looking rather sheepish Murray tried to change the conversation and made mention of the clan’s camp followers, something that he wouldn’t normally bring up being a man of his high stature, but Murray couldn’t help but be curious.
“I say” says Murray, “Those camp followers o’ yours the ones without beards, what race are they?”
“They” Says Hoon “are the same as us “Porridginii”.
“and the ones with beards?”enquired Murray “Those are “Porridginii” who haven’t shaved”.
“I see” says Murray. “But why do only half of them shave?”
“So that they can tell the difference”. Says Hoon
“Tell the difference from what?” asked Murray
“Between those that have beards and those that don’t” says Hoon looking rather stupefied.
“To avoid all this confusion” says Murray, “why don't the ones without beards grow beards?
“Well, that would be rather unfair” replies Hoon.
“Unfair?” asks Murray “Why?”
“Well” says Hoon “The ones without beards are women, you see. That's how we tell the difference, you understand”
“My God” exclaims Murray “So is it the same with all the Porridginii, your women look the same as the men?”
“Och eye” says Hoon “It happened té ma family. When I was young, I couldné tell the difference between ma mother nor ma father, so ma father made ma mother grow a beard”.
“Ahhh” replies Murray ”an yé were able té tell the difference?”
“Né” replies Hoon
“Why not” asked Murray,
“Because ma father had a beard, too!”
Everyone began to roll around with laughter slapping their hands on the table or their thighs and spilling Porrigine everywhere, some even fell off their stools with mirth, Murray just sat their totally perplexed. Half drunk with Porrigine and seeing that Murray wasn’t laughing he said to Captain Tomagg
“Tomagg, Tomagg, go, go get the thing”
“The thing?” said Tomagg,
“Yes the thing, ya know wha ah mean man, the thing!” Says Hoon bleary eyed
“Oh the thing” says Tomagg knowingly.
Staggering off he shortly came back with a large wooden box which he placed on the table. Grinning stupidly Hoon opened the lid slowly. “Shhhooosh” says Hoon drunkenly with his finger over his lips,
“Don’t make a shooound. “Come look” says he beckoning Murray with a floppy hand.
To Murray’s surprise the box was filled with water and floating in the water was an enormous trout. With a deft hand Hoon plucked the trout out of the box and threw it on the table. It sat there for a few seconds then began to thrash around gulping for air. By this time Hoon and his men were laughing so much that most of them were rolling around on the floor holding their stomachs whilst the others were slumped over the table with tears rolling down their eyes.
“Ohhh my God” thought Murray, “They’re all bloody mad!”
Next came Highland dancing with hairy beardless maidens that would have made a troop of chimpanzees look as though they had alopecia but Hoon and his men drooled over them as if they were the most striking women in all of Scotland. The evenings “entertainment” was rounded off with Hoon and his men running around the pavilion with huge mallets chasing after a Tortoise like creature that ran faster than anything Murray had ever seen, and with more than just one cracked skull.
With the sound of laughter and snoring slowly receding behind him Murray made his way back to the marquee of the Bonnie Prince. Bedecked in Moy Hall plaid the Prince was in conversation with his Generals but on seeing Murray the Prince approached him with both arms outstretched.
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| Prince Charles |
“Hey Mama Mia, Lordá Murray, howá isá youá doing?” he said in a fine Italian accent. “Haveá youá beená toá seeá the MacaBlacks?”
“Yes I have M’Lord” says Murray
“Andá whatá areá theyá likeá"
“Well M’Lord they’re um, they’re, well they’re all completely Bonkers M’Lord”.
“Whatá isá thisá Bonkers?”
Murray thought for a while and said in Italian “Essere suonato M’lord”.
“Essere suonato! Are theyá notá the ferociousá warriors thatá á haveá beená told about?”
“They are definatley ferocious warriors M’Lord but they’re completely Mad ya know”. At that point a servant came in to offer Murray a warming glass of scotch.
“Hoon has a caber standing in the corner of his pavilion that he’s holding hostage M’Lord”. At this the servant dropped the tray of drinks with a crash and looked aghast. The Prince turned to him and looked him in the eye
“Heyá, youá smashá my glassá I smashá yourá faceá now getá outá myá sightá. These MacReekies don’tá makeá veryá goodá servants. So hesá holding á caber asá hostage is he, Eyesá seeá whatá youá meaná. Butá weá haveá toá haveá asá many men asá we caná getá hold of” says the Prince.
The Prince then turned his back to beckon one of his generals. Murray looked down at the floor and muttered to himself
“Well you might want
to consider enlisting their women if you need recruits that badly”.
