Self Hibernation campaign - General Green's affliction

General Hugh I.E. Green needs a hand.

News has reached us of  the unfortunate wound received by the rebel General Hugh I.E. Green in the recent momentous battle at Gettysburg.

Whilst this august journal takes no delight in others suffering, even a secessionist firebrand such as Green, we have heard an amusing tale...

Green as a
Preacherman

Rumours have been heard around the campfires of the more common type of soldier in the army - you know the ones - those you want fighting for you but not the ones you really want to end up having a drink with - that General Hugh I.E. Green's recent wound is going to be a real handicap to him.

First he can no longer hold a pen to write, so he must dictate his words to a subordinate to note down for him, but it seems he can no longer partake in one of his favourite pass-times. 

Seems that then good General was a preacher he was very fond of 'whittling his wood' under this cassocks during church services, now that he's lost his thumb and index finger form his right hand, he can no longer get a grip on his 'whittling tool' leading to increasing frustration on his part, outbursts of temper and a general unpleasant demeanour....

... judging by his recent rants in the southern press - there is some truth to this story.

Self Hibernation Campaign - Green's Hot Air

From Robert Hope

Donations of fashionable items keep southern spirits afloat!

In supporting the southern war effort, it appears that our article regarding General Green donating Hardie hats to MIS has inspired the good ladies of General Green’s home town of Charleston, to also make donations to MIS - not their hats but their dresses !

As Q explained. “At first we were quite mystified, bemused and bewildered on how to put all these garments to good use. A genius nevertheless arose for the occasion (Odd Job) and suggested that we gather together all the silk frocks, stitch them together in strips and make an 'observation balloon'. Whilst this unorthodox construction material may look a little silly, this fabric does hold gas!  In fact given our southern diet it’s been containing ladies gas for years !”.

Captain John Randolph Bryan's Flying Machine

The first prototype attempt of flying this balloon with Captain John Randolph Bryan ended in near disaster. Luckily we did not have to give our “gondolences” to his wife. Our following attempts at flying this balloon with cold air didn’t really take off. We also found that unlike their northern counter parts, local southern politicians could not produce enough hot air. We subsequently established that by filling the balloon with ordinary illuminating gas from the Richmond Gas Works and varnishing the silk made a significant difference to the heights that can be achieved.

Imagine what it’s going to look like, a most fashionable item in the shape of a ladies dress, a silk dress balloon rising in the distance above a battlefield behind our lines. 

What a sight to behold.

General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Green Opines

From Robert Hope

General Green highlights the blatant flaw in the Gettysburg Address

I have no doubt that the Gettysburg Address speech by Abe Lincoln will be remembered as a masterpiece of political oratory by historians.

There is however at its heart is blatant flaw.  In just 10 sentences, it advanced a new justification for the Civil War.  Indeed, it’s first six words—”Four score and seven years ago”. A little subtraction shows that Abe Lincoln is not referring to 1787, when the Constitution, which careful outlines fundamental laws, state rights and obligations (and tacit acceptance of slavery), but 87 years ago to 1776, when the signers of the Declaration of Independence had proclaimed that “all men are created equal.”

The Union war effort until now has been aimed at defeating us southern states that have rebelled in honour of our families, those ladies from Hazzard County and our social system from destruction.  Abe Lincoln is using Gettysburg to kick off his re-election campaign—and shows poor taste to do so at a memorial service. 

 Yours faithfully, General Green

Self Hibernation Campaign - Gettysburg Address

By President Abraham Lincoln

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

Lincoln at Gettysburg

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honoured dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Green's Team Building Day

From Robert Hope,

10 companies across Green’s division took part in this year’s challenge, which is now becoming a popular annual event. Described as a “high-energy scavenger hunt crossed with hide-and-seek,” this immersive experience challenges various companies within Green's Division to outsmart one another. 

As General Green reminded everyone: “The aim of the exercise is to get the division working together to solve cryptic clues and explore hidden corners around army camp, before the next battle - believed to somewhere in Pennsylvania”.

'Poor' Will Poor, centre, with two of his comrades

As expected, the boys from Mississippi and “hazzard county” won the Fire Hazard’s challenge on demonstrating risks associated with camp fires and smoke. Building on experienced gained in previous years, they had no injuries this time.

Unfortunately this was not the case with the “Fire at Will exercise”. 

Literally, everyone fired at stammering private Will. 

Poor private Will. Formerly from Briunswick he is now recovering. He has also been instructed to attend further southern speech & language therapy sessions.

Clayton's cushions

The scavenger hunt was once again a big success. The ultimate goal was, without being noticed, to bring back the most identical items used by general within two hours. Whilst most teams focused upon bring back maps, well done, first prize went to those boys in Pickton’s brigade who brought back 19 pillows destined for General Clayton who then went on record as saying: “shortages, what shortages!”.

Finally, the DIY craft challenge, the new memory foam pillows were the big winner. For those teams with new recruits, as soon as they laid down on them, they started to remember all the things that they had “messed up” on during the previous day ! 

General Hugh I.E. Green"

Self Hibernation Campaign - Shortages, what Shortages?

From Robert Hope, May 30th, 1863. 

In two pieces of news, today General John Henry De Lamar Clayton is pleased to announce the field promotion of Captain Darcy Willows to Major, in recognition of his initiative and tactical senses.

By way of celebration, the newly appointed Major of the famous 5th Georgia Cavalry, also known as the 'Georgia Hussars', had a new pair of pants tailor made.

Major Willows said, ' Don't let anyone fool you into thinking we have a shortage of materials here in the Confederacy, these Jaguar skin pants will allow me to run like the wind and remain unseen in the Pennsylvania grasslands' 

General John Henry De Lamar Clayton is reported as saying 'Shortages, what Shortages?'