Weekly Agony Uncle Column
Hello blossoms
Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again. I am not sure what is happening to make it so busy but it’s been a bumper postbag this week, so let’s go straight to our first letter:
Dear Jolly John
Och what am I to do? I live by the sea and I woke up the other day tae see a funny looking little foreigner has moved into my village. He speaks a foreign language and daes nae eat oats for his brekkie but prefers pasta. When I offered him a pint a heavy he said in his squeeky girlie accent that he would rather hae a glass o’ chianti!. He has a few friends with him, rather effete looking clansmen not from round here, and they talk endlessly about marching to London and sing their foreign songs until late at night and right scare the tarmigans. How can I deal with this upstart foreigner?
Tavish McSporran
Lochcarron
Oh Tavish, it does appear that you have met with that jolly japester the Bonnie Ponce Charlotte (so named after his affectation as a young man of wearing girls dresses and playing hide the haggis with the stable lads). He is a funny fellow and set to cause a bit of trouble this year I wouldn’t hazard.
Bored of doing the rounds on the continent and irritating his fellow continentals with his endless whingeing and cross dressing I had heard he was heading over here to try it on in the north. We can seek some inspiration on how to deal with him in the amusing anthem written about him a few years ago by that popular chamber quartet “Queen”:Oh yes I'm the great Pretender (ooh ooh)
Pretending I'm doing well (ooh ooh)
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell
Oh yes I'm the great Pretender (pooh pooh)
Adrift in a world on my own (pooh pooh)
I play the game but to my real shame
I only ever roll double ones
Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I see my porridge congeal
Ooh ooh yes I'm the great Pretender (pooh pooh)
Just laughing and gay and a clown (pooh pooh)
I seem to be what I'm not (you see)
I'm wearing a pigs arse like a crown
Pretending that I can stick around
Yes Bonnie Ponce Charlotte is a bit of a bore, but is sad and lonely really. We all know how to deal with sad lonely people don’t we Tavish?...we turn our backs to them and ignore them whilst engaging with much more interesting and worthwhile people around us. Don’t you worry Tavish, there is a Cope-ing strategy and it is heading north with several thousand bayonets, you will have much better company soon.
Dear Jolly John
I am so excited as I hear that Butcher Cumberland is coming soon and I am really eager to meet this great humanitarian. I think he is so handsome and brave, how can I be sure to be invited to a ball so I can have a ball?
Miss Chastity Delayed
Edinburgh
Well hello Miss Chastity
Yes, I have heard the rumour too that the well known raconteur Butcher Cumberland is heading back to these shores. It is worth remembering how that celebrated humanitarian won his sobriquet: because of his famous enormous sausage (unlike the Bonnie Ponce Charlottes rather miserable wee floppy sausage) and his habit of handing out large quantities to the locals. Famous on the continent for ensuring the very best cuts of meat from his kitchens are mixed into a fabulous spicy sausage the charming gent hands out fists full of the fine charcuterie at every stop on his journeys. So famous are his generous sausage-fests that he earned the nickname “The Butcher”. Fabulous!
I can see exactly why you would be excited Miss Chastity. Fear not, when Butcher Cumberland is in town there is sausage enough for all the girls!
Dear Jolly John
I live on the south coast and am always concerned at what is happening over the horizon. I hear that the French are plotting against us, what are we to do?
Good Upstanding Citizen of Brighton (possibly the only one!)
Dear Good Citizen of Brighton
The French are always both an amusement and a worry but all good Hanoverians know how best to deal with them. If any of our readers can’t remember exactly who the French are here is a useful map showing how best to engage with them
