Hello blossoms
Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again. These are funny times we are living through, I sense so much anger and stress out there, and so many poorly co-ordinated plaid ensembles on the street…quite the shocker.
I received a strange letter in response to one of my dear correspondents last week and print it below, unedited and in full:
Dear Jolly John
I thought I’d pen a response to the feverishly excited Miss Chastity Delayed and her gushings regarding the famous Butcher Cumberland.
I bumped into my hero Cumberland while travelling around Flanders. I say bumped into, couldn’t avoid him really as his reputation is huge, a proper chap’s chap who loves his sausages!
He has much experience of the military mainly through his many battles, directing from a position of pre-eminence which he dominates by his great gravitas. He crushes his enemies with his enormous heft, he is the solution we need.
No normal horse can carry such a man, so he’s taken to travelling around on a mighty creature often mistaken (by the uneducated) to be a ‘water horse’ or as the swarthy Greeks call it a hippopotamus. Mind you it’s difficult to know where such a mighty horse ends and such a powerful man begins such is their joint charisma.
I’m convinced from focusing my admittedly feeble mind for an exhausting 5 minutes that my dear friend Cumberland has the appetites of a god, as well as the attributes. (God is a pig for shaming us mere mortals with his presence – Revelatory moment).
Good job he’s in Flanders and that has given me the chance to slip up a Clyde-sider! Trouble is there’ll be no enemies of England left in Flanders soon if the good old boy gets his way and is left to his own devices, that’s when he’ll probably come after me! Let’s all pray for a change sharpish so that we can ban bloated blusterers and return our shores to happy peaceful time.
Yours etc etc
George of Atholl (toothbrush salesman)
Well Georgie Peorgie how lovely of you to record your deep affection for the Nations hero: Cumberland. I must say I am a little surprised at your fervour, as you have been noted for your affinity with the enemies of this realm in times past. I hope your old friends are comfortable with your new found loyalties…or you could be in for some difficult conversations.
PS – General Cope says your 50 Guineas are in the usual drop box – stay lucky!!
Dear Jolly John
Having read Miss Chastity Delayed’s fine letter last week, and similarly heard that the dashing Prince William Duke of Cumberland is due back on these shores soon, I was horrified to awake this morning to a rabble of Irish and Highland drunks in our streets. From dreams of civilised dance parties I have found myself in the midst of a disorganised belching several hundred strong posse of uncouth foreigners. Without visible leadership and lacking any form of coherent organisation the rabble spends its time telling distorted tales of wanting to join with some continental European alliances and getting teary eyed over an imagined past of highland greatness. Much drinking is in evidence and petty larceny!
When oh when will our hero William come to our aid and restore order!
Mrs Ample Chestcannon
Inverness
Greetings Mrs Chestcannon
How shocking, my commiserations that you find yourself beset by such a leaderless mob. Unfortunately the influence of the Italian Court Jester the Boring Ponce Charlotte (also strangely sometimes going by his Italian name Maria Severino!) has had this effect on some simple-minded folk from the hills. When a certain type of person, tutored in the loose morals of the continent, is allowed to wander and associate freely they can lead the simple-minded astray.
I note that you have not seen the Ponce himself, but I guess he is still cavorting in Palazzo Mutton where he grew up, completely unaware of the ill effects his japes are having on the idle sheep herders of these parts. I am sure that the forces of sane Government are at work as we speak and that order will be restored in your streets before too long.
I would suggest that you take solace in this old Highland song, sung last time such a crowd was in town:
Dear Jolly John
Business is business and we, the Tobacco Barons of Glasgow, are very concerned by rumours of unrest in the far North of our great country. The Union of Scotland to England has brought great wealth to our Nation. Good King George’s fine navy ensures that we can benefit greatly from our trade with the American Colonies. A trade that brings vast wealth into Scotland through the positive health benefits of tobacco.
The Young Pretender, obsessed with his Italian roots, seems intent on destroying this vibrant relationship with the great health food producers of the New World. How can we free ourselves from those who cannot embrace the future and live only in a bottle and the past?
Smoke in Peace Man
Andrew Buchannan
Glasgow
Wise words Andrew,
It is always great to hear from a representative of the health food industry. I couldn’t start the day without a hot chocolate and a steamy bowlful of best Virginian! We can all heartily agree that the interconnected World we now live in, with trade hubbing from Britain to the America’s, Europe and on into the Orient is a blessing for us all. This modern World is united by the life-blood of Dutch finance. Such a long way from the backward insular small World forced upon us by the inbred and poverty stricken Stuarts. No-one seriously wants to go back there.
The forces of entrepreneurial mercantile Scotland are united in their understanding that the House of Hanover stands for high finance and wealth for everyone and through our powerful Navy provides for free trade with our neighbours and colonies. Lets all make sure that the people’s money and investments are kept safe from the unfunny Jester of Italy and his beskirted hoodlams.
GOD SAVE THE KING!
