Hello blossoms
Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of
advice once again.
Book Review
I thought that I would start this issue with a book recommendation. One of my favourite friends has introduced me to a wonderful recent publication called “Ten Nerdy Rhymes for scaredy wee wee soaked Bairns” – an educational primer for Jacobites and other antisocial ne’er do wells. What a jolly fine read it is, full of tongue in cheek humour poking fun at one and all. It has been written by that recent Italian arrival on these shores the Boring Ponce Charlotte. One of his favourite rhymes is : “I’m a lairy Jacobite”, however the author has muddled his translations. As is typical for Italians trying to understand the highland brogue the author has misunderstood several words and Charlotte’s version does lack authenticity. As all true Scotsmen know the correct version reads:
I’m a lairy Jacobite
Big and large
Here’s my claymore
Here’s my targe
If you make me angry
I’ll charge you a crown
Drop my bottle in the heather and then fall down!
Despite the poor translations, revealing an embarrassing lack of local understanding and some good old fashioned Italian misinterpretation of our fine land, this book is still worth a read and can be fun to scare the kids at bed time, or to prop under the leg of a wobbly table.
Its been another bumper post bag this week, so here we go:
Foreign Friends arrive off Orkney
Dear Jolly John
I must write to record the excitement in the Port of Kirkwall this morn. We awoke to see three fine armed schooners flying colours of the tradesmen of the New World. How exciting to meet these wealthy free colonists who are so outraged at the risk to World trade created by the backward Jacobites they have raised a militia to sail to the aid of the mother country. How can we praise our overseas friends enough when they sail so far to help rid us of this lawless backward scourge?
Yours
Alan Parray
Well Alan that is good news indeed. The trans-Atlantic trade has been so important in the growth of wealth for all in the last few generations. The wise leadership of Good king George has created a powerful force for good in the World which has fed and clothed Scots to a level unheard of 50 years ago. It is shocking that the Italian joker feels they have a right to drag the country back to his medieval ways, but good people will not stand for it! No sir, we must applaud our colonial cousins for sending a powerful flotilla and trusty men to guard their valuable trade from the joker.
Hurray for King George and all under his flag!
Rioting in Aberdeen closes our Port
Dear Jolly John
As owner of one of Aberdeen’s finest high fashion houses I write in complete anguish at what has come of us? As you know Aberdeen has been the centre of Scottish fashion for decades. The wise and low tax rule of Good King George and his stylish and rakish Princes has boosted our trade with Denmark and Northern Europe. We have never felt happier or been richer.
Looking forwards to the start of the new fashion season (you should see the adventurous plaid combinations we are creating) we were horrified to awake to a drunken uncontrolled mob of Jacobites filling the main square.
Jacobite law and order
Only a few hundred strong this leaderless mob, often accompanied by a wildly gesturing irrelevant Italian gent none of us recognise, the rioting created has closed our once thriving port and cut us off from our markets.
When will order be restored by our hero Cumberland?
Alexander McQueen the First
Aberdeen
Well Alexander, what a shocker!, It is difficult to know what to say when hearing such a sorry tale of drunken yobbery. Our fine fashion industry, the envy of the World, should not face such backwards calumny. The Italian Joker really has gone too far in his yah boo drunken tour of the Highlands now. It should not be acceptable that good honest folk, going about their business of weaving high fashion garments, like the sporran, which are in high demand on the continent, should have to tolerate this disruption to their trade. The Boring Ponce really cant get his spaghetti addled brain round the fact that we Brits just don’t want him here!
Fear not Alexander. A reckoning is coming.
QUIZ
One of my eagle eyed reader sent in this word search. See how many common phrases, on the lips
of the people currently today, you can find:
