Hello blossoms
Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again. What a crazy time we are living through? The postbag is fuller than a rams sack on easter morning! So, lets dive in…
Health food riots in Glasgow
Dear Jolly John
I am writing to describe unhappy scenes here in Glasgow this week as a band of drunken foreigners and highlanders stumbled into Glasgow in search of tobacco and booze. Anarchic and apparently leaderless the mob of several hundred drifted around the City looting and causing upset to the good citizens. The next day we hear rumour that the mob is actually led by that troublesome Italian The Boring Ponce Charlotte! No-one has seen him of course, as he is never at the head of his mob and because of his short stature, but Italian restaurants and shoe-shops in town have seen a run on tortellini, second rate chianti and platform shoes!.
Under the noble leadership of the great Humanitarian Cumberland, General Cope chose to withdraw his army south in order to preserve life and apply non-confrontational community policing techniques. The multi-denominational community liaison policing committee applauds this wise action, but in the short term this leaves us Citizens in the clutches of the leaderless mob. Their ignorant rampaging may require a tougher response from the King as they do not seem to respect private property.
Yours
Hamish Hadenuff
Hamish , this is a shocking story. We are all getting somewhat tired of the destructive ramble undertaken by the itinerant short Italian. But this is going too far surely! How can the good people of Glasgow tolerate this gross intrusion. I too applaud the noble self sacrifice of General Cope who understands how to mollify an angry continental crowd by withdrawing overt signs of law and order, but the tolerance of the state can be pushed too far!
Read on dear friend to find some letters reporting more positive news from the North!
Hurray for King George and all under his flag! Lets see if sense can prevail before others WADE-in! (see what I did there!?!?)
Death of a Myth
Dear Jolly John
As a brave highlander of catholic religion I write to express my anger at myself and my clan compatriots for the dishonour we have brought on a once proud nation. Foolishly I have followed the banner of the Clown of Italy and have allowed myself to be persuaded towards recklessness in pursuit if gin and pepperoni pizza! As we have stumbled southwards, our numbers hardly rising above a few hundred, we have left a series of Cities in our wake, ravaged and despoiled.
Sensing that I had made a poor choice in life we staggered towards Glasgow and a long promised music festival of traditional Roman gypsy music. At the festival my eyes were opened. Noble General Cope sent a fine young officer to offer our unruly mob terms on the morning of the 12 October. Unfortunately that fine young gentleman offering gentleman’s terms met the most ungentlemanly Hooligan McBlack the black hearted blackguard in a black mood! Head spinning from a mighty hangover and his tiny brain filled with the poisonous orders of Lord Murray (whom we in the ranks call Murray-mint due to his portly egg-like shape and overall yellow hue) that no quarter should be given. Can you imagine our shock when the fine officer was unhorsed? Out for a drunken cavort through the heather we find ourselves misused by our leaders and tricked into a no-holds-barred fight on the basis of ungentlemanly rules!
Thankfully the noble General Cope, despite this outrageous provocation, adopted passive policing techniques and withdrew to the south. Praise be that the country is under the rule of such wise governance. Lives were spared. Despite this though the drunken John Gordon of Avochie started to shoot wildly in the air with his sporting pieces. Trying to reload he stumbled and shot himself clean through the throat and chest. What a foolish end to a once great man.
I am so ashamed…how have we highlanders stooped so low. How can I redeem our Highland reputation.
Gordon McCheesedoff
Muddy Festival Site, Glasgow
Well Gordon, I needed a stiff whiskey after reading that letter!,
I too have heard stories of the ignoble actions of the Murray Mint, but I didn’t believe he could descend to this. Ignoring the rules of war he has supported the Italian Clown in his disastrous procession through the Scottish nation. I am sure his fancy continental friends will be agog to hear these stories and recognise the true nature of this rabble.
Good Highlanders can restore their pride by swearing allegiance to the crown and the King. This is a time of unparalleled dabbling in our affairs by foreign devils, but by keeping our eyes on the true course of Hanoverian succession we can remind ourselves what it means to be a true British subject!
Fear not Gordon, your travails will soon come to an end.
Mighty Battle restores order in the North
Dear Jolly John
Oh how we rejoice in Inverness this morning! Our honour and peace has been restored in the mighty Battle of Inverness where a huge rebel army has been put to flight by good citizens and their colonial allies and rightful forces of the King.
The 12th October will be forever remembered as the day we threw off the Boring Ponce Charlotte and his filthy foreign forces. The people of the City planned how to evict the interlocutors for several weeks, we mustered our forces and communicated with the government to plan our counter-coup. Knowing that a strong fleet sent from the America’s was also close we prepared our arms and steeled our hearts for the fight.
The rebels had assembled a vast host that was encamped on the hills above the City. Several thousand rebels, armed to the teeth and baying for blood was confronted in the morning by a strong force of citizens marching out of the City and a surprise Government force that had marched from the South and appeared to their rear. As our American colony cousins sailed their powerful fleet into the harbour, firing their guns and disgorging militia to restore the lucrative cross Atlantic trade we orchestrated the attack. Outnumbered though we were we knew that right was on our side.
The heathen rebels put up a stiff initial resistance but their hearts were not in it. How can good Scottish men fight under a foreigners flag? Knowing they were beaten by a truer cause they started to flee. Dropping their arms and running for Aberdeen. The great City of Inverness was restored to the crown, where the Citizens hearts had always been.
Long Live Good King George
GOD SAVE THE KING!
Well, need I say more!
