Weekly Agony Uncle Column
Hello blossoms
Its me, Your local Agony Uncle: Jolly John Bull, here to
share your troubles and offer some words of advice once again.
The times get more chaotic with the capering Italian Clown
still wandering around Scotland with his leaderless carousing stag-do mob from
town to town. Dear readers, you know me well, I am always neutral and
non-judgementally dedicated to peace and seeing the good in all people, but if
I ever got my hands on those raping, pillaging, drunken, foul-mouthed, uncouth,
cowardly, thieving, pox-ridden, sheep-shagging, Frenchie-loving, medievalist,
anti-diluvian, papist Jacobites I would rip them limb from puss-filled limb.
Post bag is full so, lets dive in…
Wealth for all in Inverness
Dear Jolly John
I am writing to express our eternal gratitude to Good King
George for the re-establishment of good order and the rule of law in Inverness.
The Boring Ponce Charlotte had endangered one and all during his brief sojourn
in this fine City. His drunken foreign
friends and advisors and the ne’er do well Scottish hangers-on caused mayhem in
all quarters of this noble City.
I myself saw nothing as I was hiding in my cellar before law
and order was restored but I hear stories of murder, rape, molestation,
bribery, buggery, sheep rustling, cattle scaring, theft, assault, butchery,
thuggery, gambling, drinking, whoring, incest and flim-flammery by the
Jacobites. Though not against any of the above at the right time and place, the
pursuit of these pass-times by the foreign throng is an outrage!
Now they have gone and law and order is restored, all is
peaceful and joyful once more in this lovely City. The flowers are blooming,
jolly redcoats spend the day cutting wood for old ladies and feeding poor
families whilst the brave burley Campbell boys have started numerous schools, hospitals
and alms-houses freely giving from that towering saint of a man, the Lord of
Argyl.
Yours
Rose Halfwit
Eternally blessed of the parish of Inverness
Dear Rose, what a lovely letter you have written. I hear
so many tales these days of the foul doings of the ungodly host assembled by
the capering Italian Clown. One always endeavours to see the strengths of
others, but I really cannot see one good aspect of the ways of governance
practiced by this degenerate never-was from a has-been blood line. Madam, you
have given a balanced even handed first hand account of life under the
Jacobites and let history be the judge!
Sour Grapes in Glasgow
Dear Jolly John
We have left the picking of our grapes too late in the
season and now they have all gone sour!
Commissar McSour
Vintners and Highland Pass Shepherds Collective,
Blackhearted McBlack’s Wine Estate
Hmmm…interesting, I guess it is just a case of more sour
grapes!.
The World stands with the House of Hanover
Dear Jolly John
As Captain of two fine Colonial Sloops now co-operating with
the Government Army of the North I write to remind all loyal subjects of King
George that the World stands with you against the forces of medieval barbarism
represented by the Jacobites. We volunteers of the American Colonies have
sailed to Britain to ensure that the forces of good world commerce prevail
against the frightful localised tyranny of these little old-worlders.
We will ravage the coasts of the land forcefully occupied by
the rebels to assist good honest Government forces restore law and order
throughout the land.
Captain Able Shagger
Of the good ship “Cain”
GOD SAVE THE KING!
Yo Ho Ho Captain Shagger!! Fine words from a fine
gentleman!
Since the glorious revolution the House of Hanover has
presided wisely over an economic boom the world has never witnessed before.
Truly internationalist and multicultural our wise King has opened up colonies
and trade which enriches all. From the health foods of our tobacco plantations
in the New World to the bowel cleansing spices of the Orient, from the fine
tweeds of our mills loved around the World to the employment opportunities
created in forest clearance and agriculture in the Caribbean we are building a
new world order where truly all can benefit.
But, reactionary forces of the corrupt continent have
looked on this with envious eyes. Cowering Italians and villainous Frenchies
have kept alive in deep cellars the corrupt half-blood descendants of long dead
royal houses to manipulate those fools to try and capture our great country.
But who would be so foolish as to follow these pretenders? Who can forget the
hopeless attempts of the past Jacobin kings to create the colonies such as that
of Darien?: a hopeless papist attempt to create wealth by trading thistles and
rosaries to honest hard working natives under the noses of jealous Spanish
despots. Of course it ended in dishonour and hopeless failure, as do all the
schemes of this benighted bloodline. Peering out from beneath their sleet
soaked plaid blankets, muttering archaic latin oaths, they have no grasp of the
glories of the interconnected modern mercantile world. No sir, we cannot go
back to that, and we are glad of your support!
Anarchy in Glasgow, quickly resolved
Dear Jolly John
As a long term resident of Glasgow I write to record the
pain of the City when the honest General Cope chose to undertake a humanitarian
policy of non-confrontational community policing and allow the angry mob of
foreigners and highlanders to take control of the City. It was chaos, with the
Jacobites burning shops and stealing private property, drinking and causing mayhem.
The citizens were in deep despair.
General Cope showed admirable courage and fortitude by disappearing
way to the south so as not to antagonise the rebels, but the foul heathen
abused this generosity and abused their power at our expense. Pricked to action
by our empassioned pleas, some brave Government troopers chose individually to
ride into the south of the City to help the citizens but were unfortunately opposed
by corrupt members of the City Guard. These men had been bribed by the
Jacobites to turn a blind eye to the rape and looting. There was some
disturbance in the City as these forces jostled and many of the citizens turned
out to prevent the anarchy and the press of the thronging crowds shut down
further disturbances. Of the Jacobites, there was no sign, drunk as they were
on the spoils of their pillage. Hearing rumuor of redcoats in the City once
more the cowards slunk away leaving only tears and shaking fists in their
wakes.
Lord Cumberland please come to our aid. We admire your
forbearance but you must hurry back to Britain and free us from these foreign
trouble-makers!
Yours
Andrew Murray
Sweetmaker of Glasgow
(the one true Murray)
Andrew your letter makes me weep. There can be no excuse
for corrupting honest men trying to guard their neighbours and manipulating them
into standing against their fellow guardians of the law. It is typical of the
capering Clown that his distorted Italian education has so warped his
perceptions that he thinks such calumny is advisable.
I am really quite agitated by the plight of some of our
great Cities that must tolerate the presence of this mob. So much so that I
must take a break now and sup on a hot chocolate whilst leafing through the
backpages of the London Times.
Oh yes, I hear that some gated-farmstead in the highlands
has fallen to the rebels, Bladderwhere?
Until next edition dear readers…
God Save the King!
