General
Hugh I.E. Green Has to Walk:
An
earlier article in this esteemed journal recounted the misfortune of Rebel
General Hugh I.E. Green, who lost the thumb and index finger of his right-hand during
action on the Second Day the Battle of Gettysburg.
Inconvenient
Length:
This
has caused General Green great difficulties in writing his rousing sermons, (although
we understand that his congregation are coping manfully with the shortened
versions), reduced his output of popular music as well as preventing him
practising his ‘Whittling’.
General
Green Forced to Walk:
Reports
are that recently the General had a most frustrating afternoon trying to hail a
Hackney Cab when crossing Richmond to consult his specialist hand Surgeon. It
seems that when he raised his right hand to attract a Cabby’s attention, his
signal was interpreted as an obscene two fingered gesture, causing the Cabby to
drive on past with a few choice parting words. It was only on his return
journey when General Green realised the cause of the confusion, put down his suitcase
and use his left hand to attract attention, that he secured himself carriage.
Breakthrough
in Rubber Technology:
But thankfully, there
is hope for General Green and others suffering similar disabilities. Indeed, this
is truly an age of science and invention where great minds are turning their
attention to developing life like prosthetics that will make the restrictions
of physical injuries a thing of the past. None more so than Professor A. Qwack
who has used the latest advances in the rubber industry to perfect his ‘Gripping
Hand’ technology. This versatile system can be tailored to cope with
the loss of one or more fingers and/or thumb
Professor
A. Qwack has made an exclusive partnership deal with Mr. G.I. Joseph of Hasbro Inc.
(of Providence, Rhode Island), to manufacture ‘Gripping Hand’.
Just
in Time for Christmas:
The
latest news from Mr. G.I. Joseph is that Professor A. Qwack has perfected his
Whittling Tool adaptor and that, from November, one will be included free with
every ‘Gripping Hand’ set purchased. Those long winter evenings need not now be
so empty.
[STOP Press] Mr. G.I. Joseph is that Professor A. Qwack have also announced an adaptor for 'Gripping the Beast', whatever that might mean
